my heart is pounding with a glowing sensation at an alarming rate
i've become reacquainted with the act of yearning, and it comes with a price.
i have a crush now. i've always wanted a crush, a real one. i've had crushes before, but they've always have either been for their looks or for what they had. it's always been silly little hallway crushes, seeing a pretty stranger, whatever really. nothing particularly special to me, but things have changed.
i have a crush now. i finally have a crush. a real one, and i forgot how polarizing it is.
on one hand, it's really nice. i love love. i love yearning. i missed it, i craved it. i love connection, what a beauty. it feels nice to have something to live for. something to aim towards, something to earn. i love yearning, i missed it. i love the chase, i love the thrill of having someone. someone to love. i love him.
on the other hand, it's really scary. i'm scared of love. im scared of yearning. it haunts me, like a bad smell. i'm scared of connection, what a curse. it's so scary to have something to live up to. someone to live up to. something to earn.
what if i say the wrong thing? what if i make the wrong move? what if the joke doesn't land? it's all a factor.
i'm scared of yearning, it haunts me. i'm scared of the chase, i'm scared of having someone to lose. someone to love. i love him.
i love him so much. he's so perfect. and so stupid. and i hate him. his stupid glasses, his stupid laugh, his stupid curls, his stupid clothes, his stupid voice, his stupid everything. and he's so annoying, and i love him.
i love him so much, he's so perfect. and so stupid. and i hate it. i wish i was him at times. he's so much better than me. maybe that's why i like him so much. and he's so much better than me, and i love him.
i guess it'll be all over soon. i'll either forget all about my feelings for him, i finally tell him 7 years later and we start dating, or i tell him 7 years later and i make things so awkward that we never see each other again. put your bids in now, i guess.